Snitcher Snotrockets


Someone tattled on me. Someone told Madison Bumgarner about this snotrocket blog. I’m almost certain of it. Someone had to have said to him, “Hey did you know there’s some weirdo out there that tallies the number of times you blow a snotrocket in a game? And oh by the way she also takes note whenever you hock a loogie, twitch your cup and unpick a wedgie?” Because how else can you explain the sudden paucity of mucus? Plus everything else. As far as the snotrockets are concerned I’m pretty sure it’s not the result of any allergy medications because I can still tell just by watching him Bumgarner’s producing plenty of mucus out there on the mound. I study that boy like a hawk when he pitches and lately instead of producing snotrockets and loogies Bumgarner has been sucking down the mucus and swallowing them instead. I told you I watch him closely and you’re welcome. He’s also still rubbing his nose on his glove and sleeve a lot so I know the snotrockets are itching to come busting out of that nose but Bumgarner’s suppressing them and that’s just not right. It’s unnatural to suppress the natural. Release the snot.

And suddenly there’s so fewer cup twitches too. Also I can’t remember the last time I saw Bumgarner pick at the seat of his pants. All that colorfulness, gone. Why? Why did you snitch, you snitcher? Why would you want to make Madison Bumgarner feel ashamed about being Madison Bumgarner? People love his snotrockets. They’re fun. A part of his country boy charm. An essential component of his Madison Bumgarner-ness. Whoever finked on me please make it right. Go back to Bumgarner and tell him his fans love him and his snotrockets. We want them both. They go together, like peanut butter and jelly. Pork and beans. Socks and shoes. Bumgarner and snotrockets. They’re a pair that should never be separated. Together always.

Here are Madison Bumgarner’s snotrocket totals and other vital statistics for Tuesday, August 15, 2017 on the road vs. the Miami Marlins:


  • W, 6.0 IP, 9 H, 4 R, 4 ER, 1 BB, 4 K, 2 HR, 0 SNR (snotrockets). 0 vs. lefties, 0 vs. righties, 0 other.
  • Madison Bumgarner still with 36 snotrockets in the 2017 season.


Madison Bumgarner’s next start should be this Sunday, August 20, 2017 at home vs. the Philadelphia Phillies. See you here or on Twitter for all the exciting Bumgarner snotrocket action. And please dear God let there be some.

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